Silent Sanctuary

Witnessing shards of my incadescent reveries

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Location: Singapore

Monday, May 31, 2004

Han2 Wu3 Ji4

Han Wu Ji in English when translates means the first century when Earth is born,or brought to life. Roughly like that.

Went for an interview for Student Care Teacher.i kinda like working among those kids but the teachers seem really fierce.i think they are around my age but man,were they trained or naturally that fierce.
for instance i heard 2 of them just shouting for the kids to shut up and it's none of their business.
if im selected...pls be nice to me.we are all gals after all eh?

sigh...poor Yng.utterly broken and hurt.i would pray hard that damn dick head get lost!and pls..let him have a taste of his own medicine. may Yng gets a way better guy and may him fall for a gay or ugly bitch who treats him like the way he treats him.notice i really mean gays and ugly bitches coz he deserve someone like them, not the beautiful but now totally shattered Yng.

but really i am some sort angry with her too.why izzit she cant make up her mind and leave him LONG AGO?

she asked can i do it if that were me and Jason.i answered i will never drag it till this long coz i will never let my tears flow for too long.

i dunno man..maybe i cant do it?but ...i hope i live up to my words,man.

and she said she dunno how firm is me and Jason. well..simple ans..i told her i dunno either,maybe time is too early to say yet.but even if i were to compared to her and simon,mel and dominic,we are handling much better.but to some degree,we are always prepared for the worst outcomes between us coz time cant be certain.
which im kinda glad and not when i prepared us into such mindset right from the start.coz i have been thinking is this the reason that perhaps makes him inconfident to introduce me to his family in fear of any "mishaps" in the future?
then really i ask for it.

and really so far...i think Jason is really a good,(but never the best DoDo birds ard) bf.i count my blessings that he is never that inconsiderate and hurtful like my friends' bfs.(with Von's bf being an exceptional.i think he is one of the DoDo population)

but say,aint i a good gf too?hehe.maybe im just a lil' those "its my way or the highway"| attitude...like which gf doesnt?haha. ;p

pray for Yng's recovery.

so i flipped and flipped...

whew...just sent a couple of CVs to some companies,and i realised most are admin positions.sheese..

i even thought of setting off for some interview of some easy part time jobs later.but cant seem to find a decent one.does that mean im gonna stay home today!
darn...no way.

sigh..Jason wont be free today and infact i dun think he would be free this entire week.
and so it goes again.

my ulcer hurts...hurts...hurts..like a sharp end of a small knife keeps poking on my lower lips.

looks like this gonna be a darn boring day!

Sunday, May 30, 2004

the sexist vs the racist

now which is worse?being a sexist or a racist?
im dun think i belong to either group but really i demand some good fair treatment to both sexes.and perhaps being a gal myself,i tend to defend more to my own gender.(but of coz)

i dun mind doing the house chores like folding the clothes and ironing,washing the dishes and sweeping the floor.but all i did is to the name of helping my tired mom.

i kinda really dislike my older bro who..i dunno.maybe im not right,but i guess deep inside i really kinda despise him.
my mom told me i cant do this.the future is long and i will never know who will be at the upper hand.

but the way that he did not make any contributions and often a burden to my parents,and being at the age of 28 and the eldest son,i cant help to feel that way.

let me see how my monday is gonna go tml.probably i have to wake up at 9am,get my breakfast done.go down to get the papers.start highlightening and perhaps email to the potential.call in for those temp job and maybe down for interview or job hunt...alone?sheese..isnt that bored?
but i guess if i want the money,i have to do it.

alrighty..im really bored.

alone at home on a Sunday afternoon

actually im kinda like it when im alone at home on sunday afternoon.thats when i stand on top of my chair and kiss "world peace~".

just kinda edit here and there in my resume.sheese...and jason wants to see it.i bet he will laugh his head off.and first thing in the morning tml,i would go down and buy the papers and flip.
really not a good thing to do.
but im really so damn broke..i guess i had no other choices lay out for me.
:(

did i say world peace just now?great..peace is disrupted and hey..lil bro is back.sheese..and he came to tell me he is gonna stay over at uncle's house again.

well wont make a big diff for me.

i think im kinda in wreck now.i dunno..i just feel messy.maybe its my table..gonna wipe it later.

and jason..that LoHan Kuo Beverage i bought for you to relief your cough and dissipate your sputum is gonna rot in my house.pls remind me to give it to you when we meet.

tata~

Saturday, May 29, 2004

i want a GoldiEE~~

of coz i just mean i really adore Golden Retreivers.they think they are so wonderfully cute from a pup to a full grown dog.and that golden brown fur is really wow wow wow~

went out with Yng today and melissa joined us.
mel is now at a fixed in her relationship now.though they have broken up but seriously we dun think this is e end la.
well..mel isnt my very close friend so i wouldnt poke my nose into this.

but i still think..if you think this relationship cant be and not worth to salvage anymore,give up and get a better life.

and i spend quite a sum to get something i planned to get for a long time.i very much wanna show him but time is really not ripe yet.i wanna give it on one special occasion but it would really be miracle if i could drag it till next month.
so no matter what...must force myself to stall time.


Yng has been wanting to read my blog.haha.maybe its a good bench mark for her..

i vaguely recall today is actually Ronald's 23rd bday.(and i know jason will not be happy to read this)
last year this day i did something so damn stupid.i msg him a bday greetings.and so he msg me asking who am i.
well he remembered me but we only shared 4 msges in total.

i thought that was really pretty dumb but one of the most gund ho things i have ever done to the one i have a crush on.

haha..just some history.but actually i forgot today is his bday till i saw it on the calender and have a faint reminder gg on in my head.

i had the chilli sauce crab meat noodle again~man..it was really addictive and i cant help to keep ordering that when i step in that malay food stall.and i tot i was addicted to their ikan billies fried rice.

i guess tml i shall spend my day pumping my resume.Sigh..tell me when doesnt this smell good??


maybe tml~

woke up still feeling kinda sore over last night.
im glad that i have this blog so he reads and knows immediately what the heck i think about.

its kinda resolved,but honestly i think not.i still wanna know what exactly is holding him back between me and his family?why wont he initiate anything?and why is he thinking i wont like it till im being asked?

the weather is pretty cooling today..just hope it wont rain.

so Jason,im sorry that i still wont go.i dunno how your family is gonna think of me now?but just blame the thing is just so wrong.

and so my results are out

this damn school system really deserves to be infected with some deadly virus so it will be entirely down.i mean its really as good as being down anyway!

but anyway thanks to my friend,i have got my results.
i really go like this Aussie blogger pal of mine,"oh my god uleh~"
lol.

this semester is incredible.
i have been so damn slackish.i mean this has to be the worst slack term i ever been through in these 3 years.
looking back..i really thank god i passed that period.

anyway back to my results.

1)Comparative and Regional mgmt practice-C
2)Customer relationship mgmt-C
3)E-business-B
4)Contemporary Human Resource mgmt practices-A!!!
5)Quality and total quality mgmt-B
6)Business Process Outsourcing-B

and B is the aggregate of 70-79% and so on.

man is this some mistake or miracle?i have always been the B to C scorer and i managed to shoot A for HRM?one of e toughest module surviving?and when i think the modules i scored B are those crappy modules and papers i really feel like toring them apart?

this is crap or just goes to show..you really dun have to slog throughout ur semester till the impt period to get a decent grade.
of coz if you wanna get a really NICE grades,dun be like me.

i was all the time really fedup with Jason.
on how he really did not seem sincere on taking me to meet his family and all.infact i think it was never a issue to him till i WAS requested,den he made the decision that i shld come along.

below is a personal msg to jason....


sorry jason...i will not go.
first its not really that i love to meet ur family but i just think i do deserved some shone of light when i get by so far with you.

second i still dun think you are sincere about it.you never makes me a topic b/w ur family and never thinks of intiating any meetings for us.

third i am damn pissed with that last msg of yours saying "no deal!i want you to come!" this is seriously some kinda attitude problem to your gf,or any of ur friends.i care not the degree of tone you carry in ur msg,but the whole thing is so damn wrong.

forth..i want you to know..i am not someone you can easily makes decisions for without consulting or permission.i dunno if you see there is anything fundamentally wrong when you decide i shld come along or not come along?
i am your girlfriend not someone you can take for granted for as time goes by and we are comfortable with each other.

fifth i mind alot what i am to you and what is going through in your mind and the least respect we should have for each other.

if you think im wrong and kicking a big drama as usual,forfeit my respect and so be it.coz im not gonna bow this time.

its either you realised and clear the rubbish with me or you face my challenge.

im sorry if im harsh coz i am ur gf and i love you.i wont do anything that can leads to one wrg and another.
night

Friday, May 28, 2004

im bored

now feeling really irritated that i snapped so much at Jason,but hey!hang me if im wrong!
i AM NOT!

just some results from silly quizzes...


Siren
You are a Siren. More adventurous than all with a
voice like no other you sit on warm rocks and
sing to the moon and sea. Yet sometimes
shipwrecks find you and raving men want you.
You are a bottle of talent and power. What the
unknown is you seek to find, and a lover. You
have the moon and stars as freinds. There are a
very few of you, what a rare find. Will you
rate my quiz, I think your voice in just
beautiful?


What kind of mermaid are you? (Gorgeous Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

=================================================================
damn..the more i snapped back at him..the more angry and uncomfortable i feel.SO?HANG ME?!

2320pm

ok i may be really kinda cruel and bad just to snap back Jason's sms like that.
i just tell him that he can cont'd missing me when he sms to say he miss me after his trainings.

one thing is final,that is I WILL NOT go to whatever parties or so,even if he changed his mind making me FREE.i would rather stay home and be the full time maid,slaving myself doing the house chores than to be at his family gathering.

and so he really did change his mind now,probably having reading my blog.

sorry pal.too late.

results out soon..gotta hang on.oh....whee...-_-

Complain Issue!

that previous post was being edited and now im gonna put back what i have deleted.

i was going to say im not so please when jason did not invites me to his cousin's bday party.hey..its not that i YEARNs to be there.but he told me before that he was waiting a chance to bring me to meet his folks during a informal meeting like bday party.

just as i was about to publish,he sms me and told me his mum finally open her mouth and ask if i would like to come to the party.i was happy and excited so i deleted that part of the previous entry.
2 sms.."but i tot its too far for you..."
!!!!!!!
WTF-ish.

hello!!what the heck are you doing!why are you doing this to me!have you ever ask my opinion YET?!
how far can you get in Spore?or maybe your relatives live all the way at Canada!
even if i have other programs,i think its too far..it is REALLY ONLY nice if you could ask me even i AM your GIRLFRIEND!

and WTF-ish!!YOU MEAN ALL THE TIME YOU ARE STILL PATIENTLY WAITING FOR YOUR MOTHER TO OPEN HER MOUTH TO ASK YOU TO INVITE ME??????!!!!!

I thought way before that i told my dear BF to prepare himself and maybe his mum that i would like to meet her?what..am i talking to AIR?

and you really think i will be FREE when June comes.I will be FREE to come to your cousins' every party AS and WHEN they wanna hold and WHEN you wait for your mum to ask AGAIN!

I really wonder how would his mum thinks about me now?maybe im some damn pamper gal who refuse to travel a lil distance despite being requested?

all the time i thought perhaps its his mum who may be a lil hard to initiate the meet.so now i know who has been deciding when im free or not.

FINE~you try again see when im free or perhaps tell me when im free!
there would not be a next time till I LIKE TO MEET.

damn..dun expect to hear from me till June,WHEN I WILL START JOB SEARCH on TUESDAY!
dun think you are the only one who need to work and feed.


what a boring day..

i hope Jules is doing good at Dubai.
All sand and 'hungry' men..high standard of living.lonely over there but sure it trains your independence.
i wonder if i can live alone...but sure my dad will disapprove.
sigh...here goes my dream~
i wonder why they have the big idea of air stewardness are like prostitute in disguise.

anyway...looks like Jason cant accompany me throughout this week.not that i dun understand and is angry.i dun owe his time and his life.
but...tuesday..June,i gotta look for work already.i cant stay bumping at home..not my life.

one thing about Jason is he is a true damn blue capricorn. and you know what they say about Capricornians.

"Capricorn tends to work all the hours God sends under the mistaken impression that you will always prefer a diamond necklace to a night of watching Friends togeter. When romance starts to pall, he wil be straight back to the office and you will be left twiddling your thumbs."

i have no doubt that this boy of mine may make it big one day.but then i am no gal that requires a fully ambitious and successful rich guy.im pretty content if its just some popcorns and a movie at home.

and you know when guys are really true damn rich...they have alot of tricks under their sleeves.oh pls..everyone turns to the world reckon famous and faithful lover-David Beckham.2 adorable sons,1 ..erm..poshy wife,a leg kicking career and numerous unfaithful tales.

i never need to be rich,i wasnt born rich and can do without the moo-lah in my life.i just perhaps ask to be earning enough for everybody in my life.


lately there are alot of commercials on tv 'selling' Australia.
i always look at those kinda tourism commercials..if only i can make it there while im still young.

tonight when the clock strikes 12,the results would be out.
*pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray*





Thursday, May 27, 2004

and so Jules depart

sending your friend off at the airport is oneof those feeling that you hate to experience over and over again.

Jules should be reaching Dubai in about one and a half hour more.

a new life..a new experience...

i wonder if i will ever have the chance.suddenly i recalled when i was young..i really wants to be an air stewardness.
it may not be a really glamourous job,but who needs glamour in her job?im not one of those that enjoys working in the competitive world, slaying one and another off and get what i want.

i wanna be exposed to the other continents of the earth..and jules is doing it.
good choice i'd say...Emirates airline..much better than the local one anyway.(although their uniform is kinda funny)

and we kissed her good bye..may god look after this wonderful gal.she is one of those that can make a change in your life.she make me learn alot of things and certainly gave alot of invaluable advices.
really hope...one day...i would be like her.its kinda stupid that shes only 4 years my senior,but sure this 4 years makes a big difference.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

gee...

spirograph
You're a Spirograph!! You're pretty tripped out,
even though you've been known to be a bit
boring at times. You manage to serve your
purpose in life while expending hardly any
effort (and are probably stoned to the gills
all the while).


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
========================================================================

GAME BOY - Born to Play
A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven
albums.

Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,
individuality.

Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.



Your Personality type is the only type that would
like this cool online gothic Game:

www.life-blood.vze.com


What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(what the fish..)

========================================================================
Hecate
Hecate


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

(now this is cool)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

nothing to do,man

today is plain.
i woke up did the house chores.bath and get ready to meet Yng,but she is sick.
poor gal..she must be badly torment from the broken love.
and so i wait for my brother to return and we watched tv for a while.
jason called me to be his audience while he sang on the other line.hehe.
not exactly that but its better than him not calling anyway.
i went for a nap before waking up for a really awful dinner.i had a few mouthful before dumping the rest.
thank god i wasnt hungry.in fact im quite full.

brother is gg to OBS for the next 3 days 2 nights.hope he learn something good outta it,like..being more independent and like a man.

jules is flying tml.she wont let us know the time she will be there.silly gal...

sigh...
june is coming...and i have to look for work.
trust me..here in singapore..you would really hate to work!

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

darn...

all my postings get mix up...i dunno why but it jumble ard.
its too much a fuss to get them back in place..hmph...maybe next time.

Mr. Tea - No tengo tango

spend at day at the LOTR exhibition.
lil bro sure talks alot..it was not as interesting as i thought to be..of coz other than those costumes.i wish i could bring Arwen's gown back.hehe.or maybe i could dress up like Legolas.
but i need some help with the bow though.

i never thought anyone would visit my blog other than Jason.coz i never open my blog to anyone.but hey..i rec a comment from forest_rd.

nice to meet you,mate.
if you have friendster..add me:)
malevolence_angel@yahoo.com

and of coz..Jason.thanks for such a wonderful day although my plan didnt really work...but at least i stall time.haha.

look what i said about when we reach home..we wont feel as tired and sleepy as we were on the roads.
sigh..and theres nothing on tv.

dark tales 1(3)

dawn breaks in.
the prince roar in pain as the sun shines in.
the princess awoken with fear.what deafening roar..
the prince puts on his dark cloak and hide in the corner when the light couldnt reach.
with no words spoken..the princess drew the curtains..the room is dark again.she ran to the prince..

he was shivering..but he is cold again.she looked carefully into that slivery green eyes.what exotic eyes..the lashes was long.the prince looked at her...emptily.he knew he cant stay in the mortal world for long.but he knew he would not remembers her when he returned to the dark.

he wanted to speak...but he knew no languges for the demons do not speak.
he knew this golden hair rose..was someone he would be able to find everything he wanted to find.
he untied his hair and tied the golden hair with that string the queen left.

he knew nothing to express but again..he didnt know what he wanted to express either.
he remembered the kiss...so he kissed her before vanishing to the air.

there ends the 115th year..but a night that lasts longer than eternity.
------------------------------------------------------------------

the princess should be very old by the 120th year..much older than the prince in mortal years.but somehow she stops aging.perhaps it was that night..when the prince's blood flow in her...
------------------------------------------------------------------

125th year..the prince turned 24.
he had another 5 years before he ascend the throne.the king has to leave...it was time for the fresh blood.

he departs to that land again...secretly.he knew the king would never allows so...
the king was not wrong.coz afterall...the prince was not a full demon.the more he discovered his humane side..the dark aura would weaken.
and the prince overheard this conversation b/w the demon king and his dark angels.

he reached the river again...he can never remembers why he comes to the river..but he knew there is a reason.

there he stepped in the house.this time the house was dark and cold.princess rose had made it that no sunlight could pierce in the tiny house.

there he saw princess rose...he did not remembers her but he recognize that golden string.
if the king had set a curse on the prince..making him a no-memory person..the queen of coz couldnt undo it.but she lighten it...with a prayer..that her son would only remembers the string.

the princess was as beautiful as ever..perhaps more beautiful when she has the dark blood in her...but her beaut was reveal in a dark mysterious manner as well..

that house..of no light...became the house of them.the prince did not leave this time....

through the years the half demon and the mortal spend..the prince learn how to speak..learn how to smile..learn how to dance and sing...learn how to express..and perhaps to love.

it was the 130th year...the prince turned 25...
the prince cried while they were dancing...it was that pain...that pain the stings into every cells..
when the 130th year begins..the prince was lost...he was back to the dark..
================================================================
131th year...princess rose gave birth...

dark tales 1(4)

134th year in the dark...the prince was in the dark fire burning.
it was rumoured that 130th year when the prince was being captured back...there was a fight that last a year between the king and his son.

that 130th year.....
the prince no longer resembles the dark prince he used to be.he was no longer someone that has no emotions in him.he was not someone who cant speak.infact he spoke to the king asking to be freed.
the king was furious..for his son has spoken in mortal languages.he looked at his son..looking more and more like the queen.he was turning mortal...his dark aura has weaken so much within that 5 years.
there...in the kingdom of dark..the demons and dark angels saw the fight between two strong dark dragons.
the prince may be no weaker than the king but he has lost..he was not the prince of dark he used to be.
that fight lasted for a year...

131st year...the prince lost and was held captive.
he was being burned by the demonic fires...wasnt just any fire or flames.he was being tortured...the king did everything to turn the prince back to the demon..

but no demons knew...that 131st year..the prince's son was born in the mortal world.
Viango was his name.
a curse..a curse to the princess and her son.
------------------------------------------------------------------


135th year.
Viango was a child..that looked exactly like the prince.but he doesnt know his father was a demon by then.
the prince has lost every of his memory..and was a full pledged demon..he who was once the prince became the king.
Viango,as the heir of darkness,did not escape from the curse.
he doesnt seem to age much..every kids fear him.coz he doesnt look like them.
he has got the sliver white hair..that sliver greenish eyes..that cold touch..and he never smiles.
Viango did not learn to talk until he was 2 years old..but that is 10 years in mortal years.
Briar rose...waits and waits...she knew that the prince will return..will return..

792th year..Viango turned 6.
793th year..Princess Briar Rose left the world.she is a mortal despite she has the prince's blood.there ends the story of a mortal fell in love with a demon..but cant wait for the prince's return.she died under his love curse...

1980th year...
Viango turned 15.
he knew his blood is dark...he read of the story of his father..he knew...he is accursed as well-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

today is tuesday.

so why does it feels like a wednesday?
Jules is flying on 27th...man...all i can think of that jetplane song.
how i wish im flying solo one day.to live an independent life.

later Jason and i (and my lil brother) would be visiting Science Center - the LOTR exhibition...finally.

my life change alot since i am 18...when im 19...i learn alot...about life..about friends..about love..
im going to be 20...
maybe one day..i would be able to understand and sees alot of things like Jules does.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Andres Linetsky Y Ernesto Romeo -- Sentimientos

a perfect tenth month ends with a slight sexual note.
he got me the cd i want...and this song...somehow just strikes me from within.it was one of the very few instrumental songs that i feel so connected with.

sexy..sensual...romantic..sad...passion...everything..every emotions that leaves you hanging for more...

which reminds me of my dark fantasy.
i have always been a fantasy person since i was young.i belived in darkness and light..magic and skills..everything like those in the epics.

and often i find myself in love with the dark more.
i always wanted to find that prince of darkness.
to me..he was someone strong beyond words.powerful and scary.
he was slient and never finds himself engaging with joy and love.
he was cold and aloof yet yearns to break this curse.
he was sad but he never crys.
he was very sensual and sexy.
his hair was slivery white,long and smooth.
his body was lean and fit.
his eyes was a pool of sadness.
he was someone you wanted to save so much..wanted to take away his pain even it means your life is to be exchange.
he holds no memories and is often searching for it.but the more he searches,the more he lost.
he doesnt wish for life but he cant die.
he wanted to love but he dunno what is love.
he can dance very well..each move slick and smooth.
but he never talks..never sings..never knows how to communicate...like his heart was shut.
he never lives in the day..never knew what light was.
he was born to be the heir of darkness.
he had no control of who he is...someone born with power...someone born with the sexiest,dark powerful aura...someone born with everything mortal wants...but was someone who cant love...cant talk...cant live..cant die...cant choose.

i thought such person...is so...alluring..so sexy..so pitiful...so dark...every woman wants him..so powerful and irresistable..so evoking..every senses of yours was brought alive with his breathe.

such person is my darkest fantasy.thus i cant resist man who is charismatic.

in the game..i always chose to be someone cold...with painful memories..hurt..strong..slient..appealing...yet is so so vulnerable inside but never seeks help coz he will not trust.

in those times..in the world of magicians,wizards,warriors,dark and light exists...i probably is someone...who longs for no love from any man..but the prince of darkness himself.even if it means i am betraying who i am,even if it means i will be cursed...but to be with that powerful one..i will.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
sounds rather stupid huh....but i am such person.or rather such part of me is inside.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
under the moon light...he dominates me..his darkness consumed me..his body into me..his dark power runs up and down my veins..so fast so uncontrollable..so powerful.such strong powers cant make me breathe..as if the next second i am to vanish from this earth.but...his breathe..was not warm..icy cold..that chills down every strand of my hair.his hold was strong..i cant fight.
every touch of his fingers froze my skin.it was cold...but again..the prince was never warm..

when it was day again.the prince puts on his black cloak and left.
till the moon brings the sun down...i may perhaps never sees him again.
------------------------------------------------------------------

what a powerful song....Sentimientos.



the dark tales

the prince's blood wasnt entirely demonic for his mother is a mortal...a mortal with flawless beaut,captivating and pure.
but she was captured by the king to be one of his wives..the only mortal wife then.

the king has no sons until the mortal wife gave birth to the prince.she was made the queen then.

in the dark..they hardly age.perhaps like the elves,they only gain one year old every 5 years.

after 75 years..the prince was a fine 15 year old lad.unlike the king..the prince has the most humane features.he has got the queen's looks but only lacking..is the queen's emotions.

he was born with no emotions..knew no love...knew nothing that mortals knew.
he always try to recall his memories of the queen.as the queen is no demon..she was gone with age.but as mentioned...the prince was an accursed child.the more he searches for memories...his humane part..the more he losts.

another 30 years...the prince was 17.he grew to be more fine..more handsome..his looks was nothing like the king..but the prince was nothing but someone with no memories..no love..no live..no death.

he was someone everyone fear and respect in the dark.he may look nothing like the king..but he has got the power no lesser than the king.

at 18..he left the dark world to where the queen once lived.for the first time he saw the sun..he vanish.he knew he cant stay in the light..curse is in his dark blood.

and so he roam night after night...with no memories...but he knew he got to find something.find what?he doesnt know...but he knew he got to find something...something perhaps to do with someone he can connect with, which is the queen..but of coz he cant remembers the queen anymore.

at the mortal world..he saw pple who look like him..but he was not like them.for they are pple who can laugh and cry..which are the things he never knew of.

the old witch who saw him..tremble..says to the prince,"you are no demon but you have the aura thats stronger and darker than demons..you are a diabolic symbol...go away."

the prince looked at her sadly but emptily...he wanted to speak..but he cant..but he heard the witch prays...some chanting that would hurts the demons..but not the prince.

he walks night after night.under the moonlight..the prince looked very charming....his dark cloak was blew backwards by the chilly winds..revealing the slivery white long hair,tied by a golden string.
but of coz the prince never remembers the string was from the queen.
------------------------------------------------------------------so ends the story on prince...first.
==================================================================

dark tales 1(2)

she is sweet 16.
a golden hair maiden...sweet and lovely.she is beautiful..with a pair of eyes that puts the emeralds and diamonds to shame.
she is the lord's daughter...a mortal sought by thousands of princes,dukes and rich men' sons.

but she loves noone.
often she stares out of her window..to the moon.she knew she was waiting for someone.

she reaches 17 today...the lord made her a gown from the blue velvet of a starry night, another gown from the light of the moon..and a gown from the rays of the sun..all packed in a golden nutshell.

on her ball..she fled away..with the 3 nutshells.she knew she wouldnt choose any of the man in the ball..she fled.

and so..princess briar rose fled on her 17th bday...

she run and run..walk and walk..on the field..from town to town. weary and hungry.

one night...she bathed herself in the river...under the moonlight..dress up in her first gown.but she didnt know every of her moves was being watched.

the prince walked to her...of coz the princess was shocked..but fear didnt last.

there she saw the man..a man she knew she would love.that man was so sensual and captivates her soul.

the dark prince was attracted to the golden hair maiden..but he never knew what it was anyway.he was draw by the shimmering gown..that reflects so strongly under the shone of the stars.

he wanted to touch her..but he left.

the prince never felt any emotions..if not this is the first.he vanished to a thin mist...and left.

there stood Briar Rose...princess no more.she was a captivated soul of the dark prince. she knew he was no mortal by the way he vanished.but if love is a curse..no one can undo this curse.

------------------------------------------------------------------

the prince went back to the dark..the demons went up to serve him but one roar...they stepped back.the demons were bewildered for they have never seen the prince displaying any emotions.

he was one never talks..never yells..never crys..never winchs..never never..did anything that is to do with emotions.
she is sweet 16.
a golden hair maiden...sweet and lovely.she is beautiful..with a pair of eyes that puts the emeralds and diamonds to shame.
she is the lord's daughter...a mortal sought by thousands of princes,dukes and rich men' sons.

but she loves noone.
often she stares out of her window..to the moon.she knew she was waiting for someone.

she reaches 17 today...the lord made her a gown from the blue velvet of a starry night, another gown from the light of the moon..and a gown from the rays of the sun..all packed in a golden nutshell.

on her ball..she fled away..with the 3 nutshells.she knew she wouldnt choose any of the man in the ball..she fled.

and so..princess briar rose fled on her 17th bday...

she run and run..walk and walk..on the field..from town to town. weary and hungry.

one night...she bathed herself in the river...under the moonlight..dress up in her first gown.but she didnt know every of her moves was being watched.

the prince walked to her...of coz the princess was shocked..but fear didnt last.

there she saw the man..a man she knew she would love.that man was so sensual and captivates her soul.

the dark prince was attracted to the golden hair maiden..but he never knew what it was anyway.he was draw by the shimmering gown..that reflects so strongly under the shone of the stars.

he wanted to touch her..but he left.

the prince never felt any emotions..if not this is the first.he vanished to a thin mist...and left.

there stood Briar Rose...princess no more.she was a captivated soul of the dark prince. she knew he was no mortal by the way he vanished.but if love is a curse..no one can undo this curse.

------------------------------------------------------------------

the prince went back to the dark..the demons went up to serve him but one roar...they stepped back.the demons were bewildered for the prince never roars..

infact the prince never display any emotions..never in the last 90 years in the dark.

the prince untie his hair..held the golden string.he looked at it..he trys to recall..recall what is it..who is it from..recall..his mind wandered in the dark..dark..dark...
dark was who he is...he never remembers anything..this is a curse..a dark curse lay upon to the heir of darkness.

but he remembers the golden maiden.round shiny eyes...rosy cheeks..fair skin...blood red lips..and that starry gown.

as the momment he remembers something...pain strikes.it was not any pain.it was a pain that stings in every nerves and veins in the body.it was a pain that cause blood in the vein wanted to plunge out..it was a pain that no mortal can endure...

that night...the dark world heard a strong roar..deafening..the demons cringed..some covered their ears and cried..

that night ends the 91st year..and the prince is still 18.
==================================================================

Briar Rose...lives her life by the river ever since that night.she wanted to see the prince again.never can she forget that pair of eyes..empty and sad..never can she forget that slivery white hair..never can she forgets the pair of strong,blue vein hands stretching out to her..but withdrew back within that split second..and she never forgets he vanished back to the thin air.

everyone is looking for the lost princess..the lord is grieved..her heart aches...but it was never enough to unlift that love 'curse' the prince had laid on her.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

it was the 115th year in the dark world when the prince walked on the land of life again.he is still searching for something...but this time round..he knew he must find it back.
he found his way back to the river.
he cant remember this river of coz..but he dun seem to leave as well..
there he saw the princess...in the gown made of the moonlight.she was a lil older from his faintest memories..but of coz..she is a mortal.

the princess saw him and ran towards him.he wanted to run off..but she held him.

the prince was spellbound.that is the first warmth that he ever felt.that raw feeling and emotions..never did he felt anything like this before.
he was scared..scared of what he is feeling by the touch of that rose.but the prince did not know what is 'scare'. everything is raw to him..
----------------------------------------------------------------

the prince is cold...so cold..his body was as cold as the dead..but he is alive..his heart beats fast...the princess thought.
she would not let him go...never..again.for she had waited 3 years for him.

Briar Rose...touched his lips..trembling..she was afraid..he would vanished..but the prince did not.

there he stood..with her lips on his.his eyes for the first time have no sadness..he was lost..her warmth was slowly crawling into him...

that night...the prince was not the dark prince..but the princess fell deeper in love..that night...the prince's curse was lifted but a darker one set on the princess..

that night..under the shone of the moon light...they made love.
================================================================

Sunday, May 23, 2004

on the 10th month

having my oatmeal now.i realise to make it look chunky and like a throw up,(not taste like one)..all you have to do is to put in more oat,less water and cook longer.ta da~

man..i could hardly sleep last night!its like all this week..im just getting myself to sleep for today!
maybe we havent been seeing each other very much this week esp,thus throw in the tenth month makes it even more precious.

i woke at 7.43am..the final time..i realised i cant sleep anymore.so i get out to cook the oat..went to bath.scrub,cleanse...and moisturize.im fresh now.just waiting for the hair to dry.pls no BAD HAY..i mean HAIR day!

when i was bathing..i thought,"hey welcome back,25!"(i mean my waist) but nah..its 26.so i take back that and tell my waist..work harder.

but guess what my dad told me last night?he told me next friday he is gonna make fried chickens only.which he did this friday.it was great!but hey..did he say chickens only?deep fried chickens only?that means i cant escape by picking more veg or others to eat..great.

its not very easy maintaining the 25-26 when im not the sort that exercise.but i think i would be hitting the gyms very soon...well soon when i work.then i would join the gym addicted gals club.

i wonder hows the day gonna be like.pls..anything but bad.

gesundheit.(i know you only used that if someone sneeze..but it means 'bless you' yea?so..gesundheit.)

oh..happy 6 months old,B.B.T.im brining him out today!

Garth Brooks..Lost in You

so many so many to say....
man...i was really disheartened....really.my mum almost bring me to tears.but i guess i understand.
i was just as a-matter-of-factly tell my mum she really shouldnt pamper my lil' brother at least like this. i understand how parents always dote on their youngest son or daugther.i understand when my mum says that when he was young,she doesnt have much time for him as compared to us.
i wasnt just referring to his last illness incident.but till now..my brother still gets his clothes ironed for him,breakfast awaits for him every morning when he goes to school.school shoes wash for him and all.i mean...he is a guy afterall,he will go through NS one day.she cant wait upon him like he is always 5 years old.

but she retorted back..saying..when i was his age,did i do alot?i was shocked...great..why am i crying now.
true..i may not do alot or help her alot.but i always try to do what i can now.yes...im still dependent on her for living,but i scrimp on every of my cents and try not to ask for extras for my own expenses.i pay for my own clothes,my own bills...only my own food yet.
she said it in a way that i never lifted my hands on the chores unless im being told off.oh great...you mean those kinda chores i must do it infront of her to show to her i actually did all those.like i iron and fold the clothes just now.

i know she is never biased towards her own children.i know i wasnt as capable as her when i was her age.i know as compared to many other children of her friends or relatives', im just wasnt that great.

but....how was i to say that i wish...one day..with my own strength,i am able to bring her back the life she deserved.buti never told her coz im scared i cant live up to that.

i wasnt way too much better than my 2 brothers,but im sure i am the one that never had my parents to worry much.but why...her words..may carry some light of facts and truth..but sure disheartened me.

she may not have that much time for my brother since he was young,but what say me?i wasnt spared either.i am only 5 years senior my brother.i clearly rem i was pri 4 when mum had to work.i was still there,knowing that i had to then take care of my brother.i may not be the best sister...but now...i just try the best i can//right?
i was always there envying other parents had the time to bring their kids to play.
i remembered i used to sat down my house,watching parents bringing their children to play.
i remembered in my chinese compo,i wrote i dun have any wish but perhaps a chance for my whole family to be together.
i remembered i was once very envious of the fact that Yng's mum brought them to library,and secretly cried wishing that was my life.


that perhaps all mould into such insecure me,i figured out.but..i was never...never...never....resentful..angry or blame my parents for not having the time.coz i know...they wouldnt want so too.


i dun wanna sound like a saint or someone whose being wronged..coz im not.
i am just disheartened that my mum put things in this way when all the time,i thought she understand.i try to help in some chores.i try accompanying her to eat dinners,even i dun eat that early.i thought..such efforts..she would know.i try to celebrate occasions that make her know we appreciate her.i thought by now....i could do more.looks like i cant yet.

sigh...god..dry my tears again..like you always did.sew 'me' back in me.

where is the love......
------------------------------------------------------------------
where is the love when we all need it.
i had a hour chat with yng earlier.my heart aches so much for her.i was sad,but more angry.i am angry when she still lingers there hoping for someone to be back,when she herself knows he wont anymore.
simon...doesnt deserved to be love.
i really wondered...is he the one who cry to me on phone that time,telling me he loves her.
if he is...what made the change?
coz it is now yng who cried so badly...but over someone who doesnt care anymore.

no...i know its always easier for pple ard you to tell you to move over...but the person who is doing that...feels as though he/she is ask to cut her own flesh.

im really very worried for her.im so scared she cant get back.
i really wish i could help her..anything...to help her.im so afraid that she will never love again..and even more scare if she is never gonna break off with simon.

simon..what a fucker.
i really prayed hard that this guy never ever picks another gal,and let go of yng now.

sometimes..i really wondered is 'love' something God gave to punish us anot.coz the pain it can caused is so much you rather die of any physical pain.

she asked me...if one day Jason turns to be the same,what would i do.i told her without any qualms...that i wont stay for him.
i know..things may be very different when it happened,so i hate to be ask things that isnt happening now.

but i wasnt afraid that i may bite my own tongue if that day comes,but im more afraid that i may be the one letting pple down.

i have always been the sensitive sort.sensitive to own feelings as well as others' feelings.

but i would always rather im the one taking the pain..the one being let down..the one crying at night..the one taking the hatred and being blamed...if the other can feels better.

coz i think...i know...i will never stay too long on a spot.like my tears...it will never flow for too long.once god knocks my head,i know better...i would have to get a life.

so i pray...pls..give yng back the life she deserved...

but everything..makes me wanna hug jason so much...wanna thank him for being the best boyfriend he can be...be the one tolerating me and my shits.
i guess...in view of anything and everything...i can never be the best...but sure..i try to be my best.




think its gonna rain soon~

hear all the thundering right now,is it gonna rain for a saturday?well guess it doesnt matter since im at home.

sometimes i hate..not hate,but dislikes my brothers.they are really 2 of a kind sometimes.pure lazy and only waiting to be feed.although it doesnt makes me a better person..sigh.

i feel very awful still taking allowances from parents now.very awful!
think i will flip the papers next week..which is after tml.this 'vacation' ends sooner than i thought.

i really HATE guys to be like that.damn..should my boys and/or hubby be like any of those,i would rather turn les.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

some facts at seventeen.com

Do You Practice Philematology?



Studies say that by the time we are 14, 50% of us will have experienced our first real kiss (not counting the grandma kind!). Whether momentous or disappointing, chances are all we'll know before the fact about this most romantic of practices is what we have seen on TV and in the movies. In the belief that with wisdom comes strength, here are some neat facts to help make you a more powerful...and knowledgeable... consumer!

Did you know...

The science of kissing is called philematology.

A one-minute kiss burns 26 calories! A long kiss makes the metabolism burn sugar faster than usual.

The top five foods to avoid 24 hours before kissing are garlic, onions, fish, cheese and pastrami.

A little pucker uses just two muscles around the lips. A passionate kiss (think Diego Luna!) uses all 34 facial muscles.

If you can't brush your teeth or floss, if you're not near mouthwash or sugarfree mints or gum, chewing on parsley can restore you back to sweet smelling breath.

When we kiss, our hearts beat faster and our breathing becomes deep and irregular, mimicking the response of intense exercise. So if done right, kissing can be considered a great cardiovascular workout! At the same time it's a terrific tension reliever. You shut out the world, you close your eyes and you're almost smiling.

One theory says that social kissing originated with medieval knights as a way to find out if their wives had been drinking while they were away fighting.

The average person will spend an estimated two weeks of their lives kissing!

Ancient Egyptians kissed with their noses. Eskimos, Polynesians and Malaysians still do.

Saliva contains antibacterial chemicals that kill most bacteria before the germs are passed on during a kiss. Some say the extra saliva helps prevent tooth decay by cleaning out your mouth!

Our brains have special neurons than help us find each other's lips in the dark.

In Europe it is proper etiquette to greet someone by kissing them on both cheeks.

The longest documented kiss is 29 hours by contestants in 1998 in New York.

In some places kissing is illegal. It was considered a crime in Hartford Connecticut for a husband to kiss his wife on Sunday! And in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, it was a crime to kiss a stranger.

A first kiss is good way to work out if there is any chemistry between you. If it's right, it boosts self-esteem and makes you feel good about yourself.

Kissing signals our brain to produce oxytocin, a hormone that makes us feel good. It's a scientific fact that biology causes one kiss to prompt another!

(BET YOU DUNNO SO MUCH ABOUT KISSING~)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Myths of Metabolism



How often have you heard, "I gain weight if I so much as look at food because my metabolism is too slow." Or "I hate that she can eat anything she wants because her metabolism is so fast, she just burns it up." Of all the myths surrounding weight loss, metabolism (pardon the expression!) takes the cake. Exactly what does it mean? Are you born with a metabolism that stays the same through your life? Is it really harder for some of us to lose weight than others? Peruse these facts. We bet some will surprise you.

Did you know...

Metabolism is the term used to describe the calories you burn during a typical day. Although it varies widely, most people burn 1800-2800 calories per day. Who has a higher metabolism is determined by lifestyle, activities, muscle tissue and genetics.


You burn calories whether you're trying to or not, 24/7, at different rates depending on what you're doing. The more muscle mass involved in what you're doing, the more calories you will burn.

You lose weight when you burn up more calories than you eat. That's all there is to it...

You have to burn 3,500 calories to lose one pound. A 20-minute walk burns 100 calories, the equivalent of a tablespoon of butter.

You would think that a calorie is a calorie whether it comes from cottage cheese or French fires or ice cream but it's not. Calories that come from fat are actually more fattening because your body uses very little energy converting food fat to body fat. When you body turns carbohydrates or protein into body fat, it burns off 23% of the calories in the process! To lose weight, watch where your calories come from.

As we get older, our metabolism slows down.

Fit people have a higher metabolism because they burn a large amount of calories not only while exercising but also at rest. A good rule of thumb is that for every 100 calories you burn during an activity, you'll burn an additional 15 or so from the "after burn effect."

Digestion itself burns a large amount of calories. If you skip meals, you're not feeding your body. It reacts by slowing down your metabolism to conserve energy. Small meals, containing green vegetables, grains, and lean protein keep metabolism high, burning fat to build muscle.

A heavier person will burn more calories than a lighter person because of the extra effort it takes to move more mass.

Watching television may be worse for your metabolism than doing nothing at all! Research suggests that just 30 minutes of zoning out you know, when the lights are on but nobody is home can cause your metabolism to drop 14%! Once your brain revs up again, the metabolic drop is reversed.

Super low fat diets can have a negative effect on your metabolism. A moderate calorie balanced eating plan that is higher in protein and good fats (like olive oil), and lower in carbohydrates is the way to go.

If your parents are over weight and you are overweight, don't buy into the old "I'm big boned and I'm always going to be heavy" excuse. We are not born with slow metabolisms. We can all lose and gain weight. Being "big boned" does not mean being fat. Weight gain or weight loss has a cause and effect relationship. It is simply positive and negative calorie balancing. You are not a victim of your metabolism,,, you are the result of your personal choices.

(HUH??)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sleeping Lessons



Do you remember your dreams? Are you curious to find out what they mean? For thousands of years dreams have been regarded as important indicators of how your life is going. Some believe that dreams can predict the future; others that they can help heal. Whether you think the dream you had last night was spurred on by indigestion, a barking dog or an upcoming chemistry test, you probably still find its contents fascinating.

Did you know that...

The most current research believes that dreaming may be the brain's way of replaying experiences so that they are fixed in our memory for use later on.

One third of our lives is spent sleeping.

The Greeks and Romans hired dream interpreters to accompany their military leaders into battle.

In Egypt it was the priests who acted as dream interpreters.

In ancient China, people referred to their dreams to figure out their next course of action.

Some Indian tribes believed dreams to be their opportunity to contact their ancestors.

The Bible makes mention of over 700 dreams.

Although most of us dream several different dreams a night, the ones we remember the easiest are the ones that occur closer to the morning.

The average person spends six years or 2100 days dreaming.

Most of us dream four to seven different dreams for one to two hours a night.

Just five minutes after we finish a dream, we forget half of it. Five minutes more and 90% of it is gone.

The word "dream" originally comes from a Middle English word, dreme, which means "joy" and "music"

After giving up smoking, people tend to have more vivid dreams.

Although researchers believe even infants dream, we do not appear in our own dreams until we're three or four.

You can't dream and snore at the same time.

Nightmares are usually an indication of a fear that needs to be dealt with.

They force us to pay attention and acknowledge the problem.

Virtually all dreams are in color.

Interpreting dreams is tricky business. Lots of books claim universal symbols mean the same thing for everyone. Dreams are highly personal and figuring out what they mean is best left to the dreamer.

Dreams vary in length, depending on how long we've been asleep. The first dream of the night is usually about an hour after we fall asleep and lasts about 15 minutes.

The same regions of the brain are buzzing when we dream and when we learn a new task.

Some people practice a skill called "lucid dreaming"" where they can teach themselves to recognize that they are dreaming and this awareness doesn't interfere with the story the dream is telling.

People who do not recall their dreams do just as much dreaming as people who can remember their dreams.

(WOW!)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++




why so F-A-T!!

sigh..tell me that i have been overeating?but other than yesterday bbq,and yea..too bad dad is at home today so i gotta eat both lunch and dinner...i havent been over eating yea?but explain y the sudden expansion of waist!

Tomorrow!!!i swear i will by all means shrunk....if only a day could over write the 2 days.

suddenly...i miss hearing Jais singing.i mean he sings all the time la,but really those..sweet singing.holding you in the arms and sing softly.

what song...i dunno..maybe a chinese,maybe an english song.just kill me softly with your song.haha.

i find this is really a good way to let Jason knows what i am thinking inside.coz this is where the inside speaks,esp when the outside cant speak well.

the only drawback of online journal is you cant keep in physically.

if only he keeps a dairy too...but i bet when it comes to day two and so on..it will be "refer to day one, refer to day one, refer to day one......" lol...guys.

i think of the day should we have that future...will we still be this in love?would the romance and passion fire die out?would he still be bothered to sing to me?would he still bother to take me out on weekends at least?would he still bothered to make me food when im really hungry?would he still bothered to open the doors for me?(haha..like he does now~)

"kiss me once, well maybe twice..oh it never felt so nice..
break me, take me.just let me feel your love again~
break me oh love you, oh i love you make me..just let
me feel your arms again. just let me feel your love again~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"

--Jewel

a not so typical Friday

today feels like a Sunday to me,or at least the weekends.
i didnt go out,didnt have any obliged appointments like tution or gathering or school,daddy is at home.and i put in my weeny bit of efforts in helping the chores.

and i still wondered should i do 'that' on sunday.what if its disatrous,and really im kinda on vitamin M budget.

whats wrong with the Friendster and Hi5 thingy.i cant get any messages at all.damn system,just as im getting into it.i have some weird befrienders from nowhere,but everything is jammed.

ah yes,i trimmed my hair a lil.doesnt sees much differences,except it feels thinner,and the stupid fringes.

Jason is working 3 days consecutively,well...guess he needs the money to tide him for the coming week.suppose he have more and more trainings lining up.sigh...

very soon,we would become those meet only once or twice a week couple.

it sounds bad like i dun have a life on my own.well..maybe not for long..when June comes,i would be flipping the papers.part time,full time..whatever..the thought is very draining itself.

alright,see if dad needs help in the kitchen,since none of the websites seem to be working.bleh xp!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 21, 2004

eaten way too much~

joined in the BB bbq today.not much pple-only Irene,Junxian,RQ,SW,Lixian,Yin,Jules and her bf(forgot name),Ms Tan and me.but too much food.still got cake and that oh my god,damn sinful icecream.
but it was really DAMN good...esp that dunno what chocolate hazelnut something..cant help to take a few more bites.

so im serious!!I need a good fasting before sunday.and maybe a haircut if i am able to save that money in time.

i dunno when is the next time we will be able to meet like this.Jules is flying to Dubai very soon.RQ and SW would be visiting Tekong.and we will be on our own way to work.

work...this is really very sian.

anyway..speaking of sunday...what are we gonna do?i am anticipating,but really as i thought of it..is there any plans??

i thought of a few different styles.casual or lady like?
i guess for this month,i shall stick with casual.so dear,the theme is black top with jeans,yea?hehe.

i miss my frens...my good times in NYP...so...this is the end.
sigh...gd night..

a dream plot

is it my morning taste buds went wrong or what?i thought this orange taste bitter or extreme sour!so much so for healthy choice-fruits before meal.duh...am i gonna finish it?
hold on..i find another fruit.

ok..an apple.

so to my dream.it was another one of those weird and senseless combination dreams,but one part of it scares me.

i dreamt for some reasons,i chose to gave up Jason.and then guess who is his next partner?no..not Joann.
but its my dear sis.
and then i was also with another weird guy i dunno very well..

one point..i was suddenly very very cold/as the wind blew,i was shivering alot.so that guy finally hug me while i was sitting down,and him standing infront of me.he was very warm...like jason.i lie on him,hugging his waist..but i know im definitely thinking of jason.

when he sent me back,i stop infront of a shop...like 7-eleven(for some reasons,some places you know in ur dreams always changes its physique)and knelt down there.
i knew this cant go on..i very sorry and wanted jason back so much,coz i realised i loves him alot.
so i said good bye to that guy,suddenly knowing his name..either its 'yi4 fang2' or 'qi2 fang2',telling him i need to go somewhere first and left quickly.

i was determined to get jason back,coz i know he still loves me.
but when i passed by this coffeeshop..i saw him and yng,dressing up in a very sexy black top,talking intensely.facing each other,leaning a lil fwd,and carrying up a decent coversation.

i wasnt angry with either of them,esp yng(coz this should be the kinda relationship Yng deserves,not the one Simon is giving her now),but i was damn jealous.

i quickly walked past the coffee shop and went to central,wanting jason to meet me there.but i was very upset then.an old man popped beside me,(he was the one that stands outside 7-11 just now,like sweeper or something)

he knew what exactly is my problem.i wondered how he know,man.he told me he knew that im regretting for something coz i knelt down crying,even when my bf was accompanying me home.
i told that old man...i let go of someone i love becoz of something i thought it matters to me in the past.i wanted him back..and something lidat la.it was a dream,ok..

and i know exactly..that something in the past must be about ronald.but strange enough ronald isnt anywhere near in my dreams,other than the 7-11.

i msg him trembling..but..when i reach central..it kinda leads to another dream already.coz i saw my aunties,new babies and so on.

so end of plot one.

what a dream....
but why am i always the one who will do the wrong thing?i remembered previously there is also a dream similar to this.i let go of jason,then realise i loves him alot.

isnt guys supposed to be the vilians in love?

anyway.....that just goes to show,i love him,yea?

going to chalet later.man...they had ALOT of food,too much for 89 pax.here goes my diet plan.BUSTED!

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Tired...Cant wait for SUNDAY~~~

the last tuition session with Junhan was relatively tiring.that kid...man..i just pray hard that he can at least pass his papers...though im not very confident.at least pls..do much better than his CA 1s.

i really declared that im B-R-O-K-E!man...here comes those times again.and i had no more tuition,i wonder how am i gonna survive next month.
and so..gotta work..haiz..
and i really wanna enjoy my last week of may..but Jason would be very busy.trainings and works...explain why do i still feel upset about the whole idea that we wouldnt have much opprtunities for proper dates?

and sunday...our tenth months.i would really love to do something nice..but..i have never try 'that' before,and no one has.so its either a pass or a fail.so should i?
hmm...

dear..if you are reading this,i just wanna say i miss you alot and alot and alot.

i would love to possess:
1) a digi cam
2) a cd i like from that cd shop
3) more fitting clothes that will make me look slim at the same time,hehe.
4) a really good massage and sleep on a nice soft bed,under a breezy cool night,wearing soft satin long PJ,skin feel moisturize and soft,and with those kinda smoothing music playing...man..this is not something that can be given already,yea?more like my dream...haha..



a day,i take care of the sick bro,who doesnt look like he is sick/

Sometimes i seriously wondered if my mum is kinda sex-biased or not.ok,i take that back la.

my lil bro had fallen sick yesterday.this morning my mum woke me up like 6 plus with a list of 'orders' like cook ah with what and what.so i sleepily assumed everything she wants me to cook is available in the fridge.

8am...the phone rang.my brain is sure sleeping yet but i answered e call.my big bro called to say mum asked me to collect back the clothes from the back,in view of the weather.so i did..amazingly i didnt dropped the poles.

when i decided to cook..there is absolutely nothing i can use to cook.i had to go all the way to central and buy some veg and minced chicken.(well..i think its healthier than minced pork)

so i cooked...still edible.i have got the blood..just need some practices.haha..but again..you mean i HAVE to cook??

anyway my point is...
why izzit i dun enjoy such bonus when IM sick??mum even cooked the oat meal for him,although i have the share too!!Grrr...i mean this doesnt even exist when im sick or when noone is sick.
still ask me to cook for him somemore!
hmph!!!!!!!

not that i really mind..but hey..why such different treatment when we are sick.

but anyway im glad i had cooked.the kitchen needs my prescence sometimes.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

how do i explain?

ok..i wanna let my boy knows that...i just really want him to do what he wants and is best for him.i am,in no way,can deters him.
but how do i explain that...what i wants for his interests conflicts with really what i want inside?

all the time...i thought it would be really great if he won the Talentine.first he is getting back or at least did something he wanted.second of coz,im would be proud of him.
but then i finally realise that...i kinda dun like it as well.

its like..i would always prefer watching Friends together on TV to a diamond necklace.
its like...for all the months..the boy i know who is not famous already,lost his glory and is so normal..is kinda vanishing.suddenly he is invited to sing and perform on stages(and even a duet!).
i mean...who is that guy?
no doubt i am kinda glad that he is enjoying what hes doing.he loves to sing and can sing.so i back off...so be it then.who am i to tell him i no longer like what he is doing now and stop him from doing it.

Singapore Idol.you know this sounds dumb!Singapore is forever following what others had done,in terms of variety shows.

today i saw the call for audition for S.I on TV mobile.i thought it WAS pretty interesting and knows he is considering,so i casually msged him.

i must be really petty and selfish,coz i know deep inside i kinda wish he wont be gg.

how do i tell him...i dun want any fame...all i want is a ordinary you..the one i know all the months.

this is like soccer...deep inside i wish he wouldnt sign up for any.i dun mind if we cant afford anything,i dun mind if he couldnt buy me stuffs...all i want is the time for us. time is a big compromising factor.
i would rather have one or two good and full dates than 5 short meetings.and that explain i really dun fancy the idea of meeting for dinner more often or whatever.

how do i tell him?

but i know i cant tell him what i want in compromise of what he wants.

i know if he signed up for clubs,his burden would be very much lightened and it would mean alot to him.
i know he likes singing and performing,even if going to the S.I doesnt mean he would win,but at least he did try.
everything...in return for the normal time we could have.

i always wanted the best for him.i mean..i know,with his talent and calibre,its not justified if he is staying at where he is.he is capable of doing something better and better when the time comes.

but...there is this..insecurity.the more and better he has done will means the losing of the one who i know first.

..ha...i guess im being silly again...but im really scared...one day..i will lost the boy i know.
how do i explain.....

the time is still too early to tell anything.

forget it...let us just pass a month by a month....hopefully things never change like what i fear.



all of my life....it might be you.

this song is just literally playing over and over again in my head.
one of those wedding songs...
you know...i really feel very bad about my parents,at their age,still need to slog and worry for us.and i couldnt do a single thing to help them.i love them alot,i really do.that is one of the reasons that i kinda despise my own elder brother sometimes.

just had an oat meal.it aint exactly a wonderful thing for breakie most of the time.but im sticking to it till the can is empty anyway.

today is tuesday...another 5 more days would be our tenth(+1) months together.this really seem kinda slow...i mean..we are only ten months??but then again, theres no hurry.coz often the real test comes after 1 year.
im not keen about that.

i think i better bring in the clothes any minute.the sky doesnt look like MR.im-gonna-make-your-skin-bleed today.
just hope that the bamboo poles wont drop from here.haha!

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

read capri man and cancer lady...

CAPRICORN MAN

> > > >A man in this Zodiac will has a pair of round big beautiful eyes, a nice structure jaw line(REALLY?..WELL KINDA LA...HIS EYES USED TO BE BIG..AND TELL ME ABT THE JAWLINE AGAIN)

He is a good listener and can understand everything easily and clearly. He can guess what you will say before you even say it.(ARE YOU SURE?YOU MEAN I DUN HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT?)

He often shakes his head or touch his hair. He is a big built, (HAHA!!!)
but he will tend to have a small ear. He tends to have a darker
shade of hair and eyes'color. He will likely have a short and strong neck,broad shoulder,muscular, (STOP..IM DYING..HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!)
strong hands and grips. He has a shorter fingers compare to the man of the same size and same height in the other zodiac. His hands can work well at the same time can protect and care for his woman.(NOW THATS SOME TRUTH)

> > > >His height will be proportional to his weight. He will walk firmly and always take a big long step. As he walks he will look around in caution with no disturbance from his problems at present or in the past. He likes to watch things built with fascinate and wonder about how it is done, so you could see him watching a construction site and not get bored.(YEA..LIKE HOW THIERRY HENRY SCORE E GOAL)

> > > >He is a good dancer. He is a careful person in instinct, so even at dance floor, he will already have to know what in front
or behind him before he will take any steps.(I DUN WANNA KNOW..)

> > > >Green is his favorite color. You will mostly see him wear green, navy,blue,or brown. (NOW...THESE ARE NOTHING BUT A PACK OF LIES)
In all 12 Zodiacs, he is the one who can get the most satisfaction from possession of beautiful thing, and cherish it as if it is very valuable to him even it is just a crystal ball made in France.(CRYSTAL BALL..IN FRANCE?ARE YOU KIDDING..IF ITS SOMETHING FROM FRANCE..IT WOULDNT 'JUST' BE A CRYSTAL BALL!!!)

> > > >It is his luck that he hardly has to chase after woman. They always come themselves without his invitation.(YAWNS...HUH UH)
He likes to treat his guest in his house than visiting his guest at their house. He does notlike to be a center of attention,(WHO ARE YOU KIDDING) so if you need his help, you have to look up for him. He lives his life in stability and simplicity. Every decision made are already "Sure" and carefully thought out. He will not do what he has been asked to do if he is not interested in doing it. He acts casually but in reality, he always doing things seriously.(LETS KEEP IT THAT WAY)

He loves peaceful and quiet environment so in his free time, he will stay at home instead of going out and look for adventure. He loves nature and dreams of a nice and quiet house with lots of trees, or he may dream of a house in a beautiful countryside.(THAT IS MY DREAM..SO YOU BETTER LIVE THAT UP FOR ME)

He will let you have freedoms and watching you in a
distance. If you are over doing something, he will let you know by his icy cold look. He is the perfect lover in all the Zodiac for nothing he will not do for his love one.(DEFINE 'PERFECT'///PERFECT IS WHEN THE LOVER IS SATISFIED WITH ALL HE IS)

He won't allow people to laugh at him or think he is a joker, so he will spent for himself luxury for what it is worth.

He likes neat and well dressed woman, so do not be a slop if you are dating this guy. (I THINK..HE LIKES MORE SEXY DRESSED WOMAN)If you do that he will loose his face. He is the romantic type who would dance with you under the moon light.(WHA..YOU MEAN HIS NAME EXISTS IN THE ROMANCE DEPARTMENT??)
Love will make him shines and you will see it in his face. He will not say it out loud, you have to know it yourself.(OF COZ I KNOW IT..BUT IT DOESNT HURT TO SAY IT LOUD HUH?? ;P)

==================================================================

CANCER WOMAN

> > > >When she is in love, she will act both ways. First, Shy and polite trembling to be near you. Second, Attach to you like glue and trying to be with you all the times. She will try to go home with you after work, or have every lunch with you. It is O.K. if you like her too, but if is is not the case,you will feel very uncomfortable.(STOP MAKING CANCERIANS SOUND LIKE STALKERS..COME ON...WE HAVE GOT A LIFE OF OUR OWN TOO!!!)

She hates to be talked about or gossiped by someone else. If she knows she will be very hurt.(WHO DOESNT?)
In nature she is a shy type,except she has been influenced by some other Zodiac. She is not a brave or daring type, so if you like her then you better be the one who start first. (YEA..YOU GET THE GAME STARTED OR IT WILL NEVER STARTS)
She will not accept her true feeling, so if you like here you better tell her first.

She is like a musical note always change in tunes,so one minute she can be funny and cheerful, and one minute she can be sad and depress. Other peoplemay think of her as "Over-acting", or "Over-reacting".(TELL ME ABT IT..SIGH...)

When she is depress, she will go out and look for things to make it up. Sheloves money, and thinks of having "Money" as "happy", not as "God".(UH HUH) She will not look down at you if you do not have a lot of money, but she will help you make money, save money. She is not an extravagant person and sometimes will tell you not to buy her expensive and not useful gift.(YOU KNOW..I DUN MIND EXPENSIVE AND USEFUL THINGS..;P)

She is the type who enjoy a long and quiet walk.Cancer woman also
influenced by the "moon", so under the moon light she will be fascinating woman.(SAY..WHY AM I SO 'SEX-Y' UNDER THE SHONE OF THE MOON)

She has a constant fear for many things. She fear of not being smart enough,not pretty enough. Even if she is not fat, she will not be satisfy.Assuring her of her look would help, because she can change mood 4 times a day.(YOU HEARD THAT??)

She is not stingy, but you will not surprise if you see she collecting old or broken junks. She sees that everything are useful to her. She will find a way to re-use it again some day. (SOMEDAY...IF THERE IS NO USE..I WILL DUMP THEM AND COLLECTS NEW STUFF)

She is not a jealous type,but possessive.(ERM...EVERYONE IS TO A CERTAIN DEGREE WHA)


The best part of her is that she will sacrifice everything for her love one with no limit. Don't leave her in times of troubles, she will never forgetit. She is not a weak type, even she looks like one, Example if you argue with her, she might cry her heart out. Once you left, she will wipe her tears and start clean up her apartment normally.(YEA..IM THE MERMAID IN THE FIGHTING FORCE)

She is a very careful mother and will look after her kids every steps of the way. If she is a mother of your children, you are at ease, but if she is your mother in law, you are in pain. Not to worry, this type of mother in law will not let her own daughter being an "Old mate".(WHY OF COZ...MY GAL WOULD BE PAINFULLY GORGEOUS~~~~)

She could be moody and argue with you in many little things like many women,but she always wait and want to take care of you. If you argue with her and disappear a few days, she will be waiting for you, but not for long O.K.
This kind of testing is risky, try not to do it.(YOU HEARD THAT)

The Cancer woman need 2 things to be happy which are "Work" and "Love". (SERIOUSLY..I CAN DO WITHOUT THE "WORK")

She can be live in a dusty house, but she can not live in that same house with no Love.(LETS PUT IT AS..I CAN LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH LOVE..BUT NEVER A DUSTY HOUSE WITH OR WITHOUT LOVE!)

==================================================================
THOSE IN CAPS ARE MY COMMENTS...WHATS YOURS??:)

what a day.....

man...today i had one of the most "what a day" day.
event one...
i almost send myself to the gates of hell/heaven(of coz the latter is prefered) today.bloody hell...it was just another step that the pple i love and love me can say good bye to me.
it was a hot day,i wanna cross over to take 105 to Jason's hse.
i stopped for the big school bus to cross,but it stopped infront of me.in my usual 'what the fish' mode,i began to cross,unknowingly a black whatever car was driving fast. the next thing i know is a loud honk and the car was one inch next to me.
i stuck out my tongue and cooly walked to the bus stop and still with no expression of fear or anything on my bus.
strange enough,my first feeling is..."wha lao..paiseh sia!"
but my heart was thumping fast,but its not that fast,as in if i see my crush standing infront of me.

but hey...imagine that driver didnt stop in time...i wouldnt be typing all these..i would most probably be in the hospital.injuries if im lucky.coma if im not. and death if im extremely unlucky.
im not afraid of death if it was to come suddenly to me.but i was afraid to picture im going to die.like...if you ask me to think im old and lying on my death bed,im very scared as compared to a sudden death.

...and really,if my death would exchange the longevity and happiness of all my loves,i wouldnt mind.but i thought...its not possible.first i thought of my parents.im their hope,they need me...i am the one who will be bringing them a life they deserved(i hope).i thought of my lil' brother.he may not need me all his life..but still...i am his sister,in a way or another,i still feel responsible for him.i thought of jason...i cant imagine how he can deal...i mean,i dun wanna give such credits to myself,for i should be the last reason that he couldnt live without.
our lives aint born twinged together.
but instead..there are so much i wanna do for him...how will i be able to if im gone.
i thought of Junhan,weird enough.i do feel very responsible for his studies...yet..he slayed my cells today.(cont'd later)
and my frens and so...man,i could even vision my funeral....

and now..i guess really wanna thank God....if im to be spiritual enough,i could imagine my guardian angel holding me back on the road and stopping the car.
Thank god....just thank you.
------------------------------------------------------------------

man im so full right now...

anyway went to Jason's hse.he made me noodles..did i love the ham?hehe.
and he showed me his brother and his childhood photos.
his brother just looked like a pretty lass in his baby times,i'd say.
and jason is a big head.haha..i picture auntie must have much difficulty getting him out.
now as i looked at the 2 kiddo photos of us...do i agree this 2 kinda looked like a pair.and i guess thats why pple say we got this 'couple look'.

but when he held me..he said one thing that really poured honey inside me.
he told me to be careful when i crossed the roads next time,how is he to do without me.(well...roughly that la)

jason just assured me time after time of all the things im afraid of...and it really makes me feel so much better each time.
i guess...really..even though time after time..i may wake up forget how great he is...i may still hankered for (im sorry dear..) ronald sometimes...i may still think he doesnt pay attention to my feelings...
boy,am i all wrong or what?
for this jason is still the best i could ever have....yet.haha.
------------------------------------------------------------------

back to Junhan....ARGH~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~did i mentioned i like the responsibility of being responsible for someone,and i like being a teacher?sure,i dun lie but that is ONLY when they do well for me!!

I CANT BELIEVE IT MAN!!

i just pray very hard that this twit can at least secure a pass for his exams,and i will be very thankful already!

today while i was coaching him maths..did i think he had improve alot already??
i dunno if im gonna bite my tongue,man!
i really dunno...all the things i thought him in the past..and he CAN do it...i dunno..its all like..formatted???

i thought he was tired...i gave him the encouragements,the rest,the soft way till..i am REALLY FEDUP that this guy needs some harsh way.
i threatened him badly that if he dares to not do any workings and anyhow choose a answer for his MCQ,i will definitely skin him alive.
and he innocently asked,"whats skin you alive"
i rolled my eyes and translate that to chinese.i think that scares him..and i dun like to use this kinda idiot method on him.
so i goes soft again.

i was there till 9.30pm..and when i left..the hydrochloric acid bites me.when i reached home,i wasnt very hungry but since my dad cooked,i have to eat...
and now...i regretted...it was good food...and now it sure 'goes to waist'

and now..i seriously pray hard for that dear kid of mine.....please..dear..dun let my efforts washed down the drain.
------------------------------------------------------------------
what a day,what a day, what a day...

as i have awoken...

ok...so the previous entries are about a low self esteem gal,who is so insecure and inconfident,life is 3/4 gone without the boy who is always there by her side.

as i was lying on my bed lazily in the afternoon,i decided enough is enough.what happen to me?a total snuggish snail.

so my current resolutions are to look GREAT!
ok i may not be the beauty queen,but at least i still think my looks are just not very average.
i need to pamper myself..or rather i just need to pay more attention to my skin and so on.

went for the eyebrow shaping for $7,all she did is use that 'knife' to shave and within 5 mins,7 bucks goes flying.
and so to make my money worth,i sit down and waste another 5 minutes talking to that lady about products.and when she wanna fix appointment,i casually ask for a name card and told her i would call for appointment for facial once im free.(YA RIGHT)
i want a facial actually,but hey...whose gonna pay for me?

the brows now are pretty not much difference,just neater and maybe defined.so its really my job to pluck the strays once the effect is over.

and NOW~gotta save the money to buy the skin care pdts and so on.
dun tell me this is wasting money,coz its more the investments for beaut.
so if you want to add on the the population of the 'ok la..she's not bad' population,just support me. ;p

Monday, May 17, 2004

some emode results...done to sew back 'me' in myself

Mia, your position as middle child shows most strongly in your even-tempered nature.

Similar to other middle children, you are probably very stable emotionally which makes people feel at ease around you. In addition, having older and younger siblings taught you how to appreciate diverse points of view. You have learned that the best way to resolve conflict is by remaining calm and open to compromise. Like other middle children, you tend to radiate warmth, affection and maturity. You are likely to display an extraordinary ability to remain composed even in stressful situations.
=================================================================

Mia, you'll thrive in a corporate culture that allows you to be a Stabilizer

Others can breath a sigh of relief when you're around because you're so reliable. You thrive in environments that have a sense of structure to them, and you're probably known as someone who is solid and can take care of yourself. You also have a good sense of how well you're doing at work and are typically loyal to the companies you work for.

But you won't get far if you're working for a company that's not based on a system that values your contributions. What kind of work environment will really let you shine?

=================================================================

a no title blog

i think...jason may not be reading all the time i am writing this down.
nvm...forget it den.
just as i thought what am i going to do next week,coz we practically cant have any decent date for week...i think..i might as well just get used to the whole idea,anyway..its coming.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

nobody knows...

could god send me an angel to help me to tell jason that right now...i really want to see him...i wish he hadnt let me go back on my own just now,although i am not angry and know it is just right.
i wish he is here catch my fallen tears and kiss me to sleep.
i wish ...

god...what has gotten into me again!!
know why i am always burying myself in?coz i dun wanna know what am i to be alone!!!!!!
what the fish....

nobody knows..nobody knows..nobody knows..nobody knows..and i dun want anyone to know..i dun want anyone to know..i dun want anyone to know..and i dun wanna know myself...i dun wanna know myself..i dun wanna know myself!

period.

a silent tear's confession

and so this day still come...although i never hold any records of having relationship but still the day when i had to face my inner self came.

maybe he still doesnt understand...

i cannot express my inner thoughts verbally..no i cant.and i cannot let others face who i am really inside,and i cant even bear to face ME myself.
and so this do irks him,i guess.coz he will never be able to read what i am thinking about.

i dun blame him anyway...

maybe he doesnt understand by what i mean time is running up for me,what i mean by i am scare of june or i dun wanna find any jobs.

its not really about how much i detest the working world,coz eventually i will have to be there.

but...i have so many things in mind yet...i have so many things in mind that i wanna do with him...i know when july comes,when he begins studying and me working...things will not be too much the same.at least time wont be.
we will spend time worrying and doing different things altogether, and god knows what will happen then.

how can i slip into his comfort of love like i cant be myself anymore?

god...i am forever this insecure...as if this is one thing rob off me when i come to this earth.

but i can not spend june with him anymore...coz i know...my dad is expecting me to look for a job.and here comes the day i have to bear that responsiblity.

and may is coming to an end.

i am NOT angry about him having to go to trainings and work,if he thinks i am.well..initially maybe i was..but this is not my real concern.i think i am not an unreasonable person yet.

but every of his committment would draws more and more time from me or us.
the time would be shorten so much...and it would be june already.

i cant bear to think of...the day..when im working in the day,he is studying in school.and when i knock off,he has to go to trainings and/or work.

i am not angry for these are the commitments he must have.his life isnt all just about me only.

i am selfish...suddenly i really want him to belong to me only.i only want his time to be twinged with mine.but the more i realised how much i want him, the more dependent and perhaps,in love i am with him.
if this is what love is.

i am scare....should one day...i have get accustomed to the insecurity or the lil time we would have together,i would become what Yng perhaps is.
or maybe even worse,if i cant be bothered anymore.

what are such fears for?they are not even coming yet,and may not even come.
but really,i aint much of the 'come what may' person.i wish i am,so im happier perhaps.

these days....
i have been really treasuring every single minute and second he is standing besides me.every pulse of warmth his hands passed to mine.every moment of his tender kiss.every ...and every of his hugs.i am looking into his eyes so much lately,i realised i never really did that.i wish he could see the gal crying inside me.i wish he can smoothe all the insecurites inside.all..i see in his eyes..are the pair of eyes i never really look into.

i am scare...very soon...i would lose all the things that i am able to do now...or perhaps..little by little..everything compromise by time.

"i understand..the kind of love i want..will spoilt me,just like a child,lying in your arms and being pampered.
the kind of love you want...is not only dependent,but also like a big boy,sunshine and rainfall,live freely"
--- (loose translation)

i wish upon ending here, would also end my tears for the night.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

i wonder what i must do to become more b-e-a-utiful

really..that is my question for the day,or maybe that is the question that always pop in my mind.
now dun tell me the old wives tales,whereby the beauty lies beneath the skin,coz i totally take that too.
but i was thinking of ways to look way better than i am now.
say maybe i WILL get my eyebrows shape or wax,whatever the term.get better skin care products, slim down..which is like taking years like now, and alot more.

coz i think i wasnt a born-pretty.although i really think i was really cute,sweet and kinda pretty all the way before 7 years old,i guess.
the rest was kinda disatrous,esp secondary school days,until i was in year 3.yea,pathetic i know.
if i were in those kinda US college,i would be classified under the geeks and geekettes group.

you know..money never play the role of God to me.thus i may envied but really it doesnt hurt to not have the things the rich have.but money is really important to me,i guess.
coz with more than sufficient moo-lah with me,i could at least give my parents a life which they are both deprived of since the day they reach the earth.(now that is always the top priority if i have money)

with money,i probably never have to go cursing the really pampered and just pampered peeps of my age.(then it would be other cursing me)

with money....nah..actually i really dont see the need to have that much of money.coz perhaps than pampering myself with the clothes,bags,shoes,and skin care products maybe, or maybe just an occasional getaway and so on, i dun need to be that mega rich.

at least i dun see the need to taking cabs wherever i go,dining in country clubs and prestigous cafes and restaurants,gg in shops like LV,Chanel etc.
coz with all these,it doesnt necessarily make me happy.

lets turn life the other way round,or the life i have now.

with money,what is the joy of earning ur own income?
with money,what is the joy of taking the bus and get the chance of observing pple and surroundings?
with money, what is the joy of picking up a good bargain during a sale?
with money, what is the joy of all the things the normal but not so rich family can have,that the rich never understand.

so geddit?

what i realised.....

you know what, i realised many things today.

i realised i kinda like being a teacher,even though im just a tuition teacher.i like the kinda feeling of being responsible for someone...not something.even sometimes Junhan is really capable of making me boil,but you know...after being his teacher for a few months,i just feel being responsible for how he fares and the way and attitude he adopted for work.
and true enough,i see the gradual changes and improvements.
sometimes i just think he kinda hold some potential beneath him,and sometimes i just coach him like how i would treat a grown-up.coz i really just wanna drill out the potential or maybe just to activate the brain cells.hehe.
but sure he still need alot of work.

and then...i realised,i kinda like the feeling of waking up in the morn,go to the super market or wherever just to buy breakfast or things to make for breakfast.
that is one time,i specially went down to get breakie for my lil bro.(though it wasnt what he requested)
yesterday,i wake up early to went to Giant to get some lemons,honey and red beans (for today's soup) to make some lemonade for Jason before meeting him.
its that kinda effort that im doing something for someone dear to me that really makes me go 'hehe' inside.

i realised hamsters are really kinda cute!yea,i know hamsters are cute but i just never thought of having one.but today while i was at Yng's home before tuition, i help to feed her hamsters with water.OMG,one of them were like half sleeping when i fed it, and its eyes were close but still cont'd drinking the water...the face is just so cute.
and this spuns to another thought!
i kinda wanna have one as my pet too...or rather OUR pet,yes dear,you see this right. give it a thought?

now give this a read.a extract from the old CLEO magazines.

MOM VS GIRLFRIEND

" JUDITH ARCANA,AUTHOR OF EVERY MOTHER'S SON SAYS, "THE MOTHER-AND-SON BOND IS THE FIRST RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN EVERY MAN EXPERIENCES, AND IT'S INCREDIBLY INTENSE. MANY MEN REACH ADULTHOOD BEING ATTRACTED TO WOMEN JUST LIKE THEIR MOTHERS. "IF HE GOT ON WITH HIS MOM OR ADMIRED HER, HE'LL BE SEEKING SOMEONE JUST LIKE HER. IF HE DIDNT GET ON WITH HER OR RESPECT HER, HE'LL BE TURNED ON BY SOMEONE AS DIFFERENT FROM HER AS POSSIBLE.

EITHER WAY, WHEN YOU(THE GF) COME ON THE SCENE, IT CAN BE TOUGH FOR HIS MUM, WHO'S USED TO BEING THE ONLY WOMAN IN HIS LIFE.

PARTICULARLY DURING HIS FIRST SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS, HIS MOTHER CAN FEEL VERY THREATENED. THE EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP B/W HER AND HER SON HAS BEEN BROKEN, AND SUBCONSCIOUS JEALOUS THOGUHTS AND FEELINGS CAN BE DIRECTED TOWARD THE GF.

EVEN WITH THE NICEST OF MOMS, THERE WILL NEARLY ALWAYS BE AN ELEMETN OF COMPETITION B/W MOM AND GF, HOWEVER SLIGHT"

now tell me about it!

actually i was kinda not-so-happy that i wasnt a topic b/w him and his mum.look...it kinda make me feel..."hello...am i a taboo or something?"
and to make things worse,i think he never ever bring me up as a topic,just like he never or really hardly calls me at all.

hey...this is not really fair and would you stop escaping things?i understand how you think and yea,i understand very badly.but you ought to gimme the right or maybe just a lil position somewhere,yea?

listen everybody...what is up with the time frame of being together for 12 months means the couple is strong and steady, WHEN couples of 84 months break, married couples divorce and so on.
if the 2 are not meant to be together, then it will never be,despite the 1 year or 100 years down the road.

i understand that it is always a torn between me and something else for him. for instance, me and his mom, me and his job, me and ...and...i dunno but there is always something else.

whereas for me..its only a him and the case of the past, which do bothers me a sometimes.but its different!coz the past is something that i gave my heart to,so he should understand and i am helping myself to always ...nvm..i lost track of what i wanna say.

anyway..yea...it kinda a plunge in MY face value that i HAD to initiate the meeting.i mean, why cant he EVER initiate anything simple...even like calling me?cant he already see that something lil like this means alot to me ALREADY??!

come on peeps, its not that im asking too much or am i?
but on the flip side..like Yng said..."gals can never be satisfied with what they have"
yea...kinda true too.

but i think this is 2 different issues altogether. every couple i known of is the true blue case of the bf just bring the candy of their eyes to meet his folks, with no preparations or anything.coz really what is there to prepare other then informing his folks,perhaps.

JASON!!cant you really see what I WANT.???????

sometimes he really makes me boil and the damage is trice what Junhan does to me.coz at least each time Junhan makes me angry,he know what to do it right again.

i have said for 'i-lost-track-of-how-many' times that i never care for big things in life coz if you cant do the small things in life..who really bothers for gifts,restaurants and so on.

aint it really sweet if your bf calls you to wake up or just a morning greeting?or gives you something unexpected...i dun mean anything that has to do with quantity amount here.

i really like it that time when he jus popped me a surprise visit and brought me home after tuition.

yea..i give it to him when he said if such sweet acts are done every other day, honey would lost its taste too.

i think im gg off-track again.aint i talking about him and his mum?
well to be cont'd or maybe not coz really it aint a wonderful issue to talk about.

but as to compared....jason is STILL quite a wonderful bf to me,well as much as he could.